“I went searching for more movie ticket stubs and came up with so much more stuff that I had been hoarding in a jewelry box.  There were a few letters from 1995 and 1998 from the boyfriend that I had at the time.  Was so weird to see those again so many years later.  Various concert tickets from 1999 to 2002, movie ticket stub from the 1998 movie “As good as it gets”.  A New York City subway token from 1996, my high school class ring, and a ring that my first serious boyfriend gave to me.  (Rest his soul)

Reading the letters from so long ago and seeing the other various artifacts from my life made me realize how long ago that stuff really was.   Where in the hell did the last 10 years go?  All of that stuff seemed like it happened to long ago that it could have been a previous life or in an alternate dimension.  I guess this is probably something that everyone thinks on their birthday, but I am thinking about it more since I found all of those old relics.

Most of the things that have happened to me over the years have been forgotten since it’s mostly stuff that I don’t want to remember.  The things that I do remember are pretty much a blur.  Seems like I have been so many different people over the years.  I remember different versions of myself throughout my life and wonder how it has all went by so quickly.  Doesn’t even seem real sometimes, that’s how surreal it seems to me.

But time marches on, as it always will, and I’m sure that all of this will seem like a blur in another 10 years.  I haven’t accomplished much in the last 13 years especially, probably due to the fact that I have no idea what my calling is.  What I have wanted to be hasn’t changed too much over the years, but it seems that I just haven’t got too far in the whole process.  I still feel like I am 16 years old due to various factors in that time of my life and even up until now.

I believe that the time a person grow up is when they realize that they aren’t going to be something super special.  When they are younger, everyone always wants to be a singer or astronaut or something along those lines.  But then you get a little bit earlier and realize that those goals aren’t as realistic as you thought they were when you were young.  You realize that those fairy tales that you have been told are just tales that your parents read to you to give you the illusion that the world doesn’t suck.

And you realize that the tales of people being discovered and becoming famous from singing along with the radio while pumping gas are all things that really have happened, but they aren’t going to happen to you.  You realize your limitations, due to either your location, money issues, brain power issues, or whatever.  You realize what can be done and what can’t be done.  And even as much as you would like to believe that the world can still be sunshine and roses, you still get cynical.

Back in the days when our parents told us that the most important thing in the world is to be yourself and not compromise your indivduality, beliefs, and morals for anything.  That people need to accept you for who you are, or otherwise they just aren’t your friend.  Over the years, this has caused me more failed relationships and jobs than I would like to admit.  And since I still refuse to budge on the traits and beliefs that make me who I am, it seems that I am in for more of the same throughout my life, since I am not sure if it is something that I am able to change or want to change..

These are the types of things that run through my head all day every day.  I will think about something that happened a few months ago, which will lead me to think about something that happened a few years ago, which will lead to something that happened 10 or 15 years ago.  This is why I try to do so many things at once, to stop the random chain reaction of thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis.  This is why I am so distracted and have such a hard time accomplishing things.  This is why I sometimes can’t stand to be inside of my own head.

And things that make sense to me usually confuse and befuddle other people, and usually make them not like me or see me as being weird.  But those values, even if they do alienate others, are a part of who I am.  And even if I don’t get a damn thing accomplished in my life, at least I can say that I stayed true to who I am.  It may sound stubborn, cheesy, or even “emo”, but I believe that it is a very important characteristic in a person.

And as I alluded to earlier, that quality has been a very difficult aspect of my life.  I have very few friends, but they are all the type of friends that I would tell anything to, best friends until the end.  The few serious relationships that I have had have ended because of me being who I am.  They always say that I am a good person, better than them in fact, but I’m just too brash and abrasive.  And it always bewilders me since I just can’t see what they are seeing.  That has to be the most frustrating part of it.

I like to think that I can see things from broader view, view all of the facets of any situation that I am in.  I like to think that I can empathize and be objective about everything, viewing everything from all standpoints.  But I still cannot see what they see.  I do not feel like I am unreasonable in what it is that I think, want, and feel.  I like to think that I am at least somewhat a normal person, though I often feel like I am very different.  And I am sure that other people also feel this way, so I don’t have a “special snowflake” complex, even if it seems that I do.

So this is why I act in the manner that I do.  I know that life is about compromises and doing things that you don’t want to do, but these things that I believe are very important to me.  These are the thoughts that I try to explain to people, but it always ends up coming out of my mouth the wrong way or not at all.  I am not all about “drama” and being the center of attention when it comes right down to it.  This is why it often appears that I am either “way out there” or very withdrawn, depending on how well it is that I know a person.

Some people out there may say to get over it or learn to live with it, but this is the way that I have been all of my life.  This is the way that I think.  This is the way that I am.  When it comes to expressing how I feel, I always do so better in writing rather than speaking.  I lack a filter in my head when I am talking to someone else, so things often don’t come out in a way that most people are able to see in the way that I do.  I get ahead of myself, I get distracted, I say things in a blunt way.

These are my thoughts, this is who I am.”

Stay tuned for all of the crazy shit you know and love!