After another night of not thinking clearly, I have dug myself into a fucked up hole, yet again. I went to the casino thinking that if I didn’t play the slots (which is always what fucks me), that I would be alright. But I was wrong, couldn’t catch a fucking card at poker all night, and then had some really harsh dealers at the blackjack table when I tried to make up for it. So I ran myself $280 in the hole, $60 of that which wasn’t even my personal money.
I have decided that I am quitting gambling cold turkey, just like I had to quit drinking cold turkey 7 years ago. I couldn’t control my drinking either, once I had one drink, I couldn’t stop. Same goes with gambling, it seems. I was only going gambling once a month, then stopped for a couple of months. But since I went the other night and was only $15 in the hole when I left, I decided to come back last night and see if I could make some profit since I don’t get much money a month to start with. I just wanted enough money to finally but something nice this month for once, or to save up for when the Note II eventually goes on sale at AT&T for $199 like it did on Amazon recently for Verizon customers.
But instead of coming out ahead or breaking even, I totally lost my ass at the poker table, then lost it a bit more at the blackjack table. So I’m making my own intervention, as I did 7 years ago when I quit drinking. It apparent that I just can’t control myself when it comes to addictive behaviors such as drinking and gambling, much like the fact that my grandfather has a gambling addiction. No excuse for me, I know, but I think I see that’s where it comes from. Not to mention my Uncle and Bother who died of drug overdoses since they were obviously addicted to drugs. (Uncle od’d on Cocaine and Brother od’d on Xanax/Methadone)
To cut to the chase, I need some help, financially. It’s only the 6th of the month and I don’t have a dime to my name. I know you are wondering why you should help me since I’m obviously pretty fucked up and wasn’t able to control myself. I know that some of you probably followed my site back when I was blogging about every day before my Osteoarthritis and other disabilities got worse. I know most of you know me from Twitter, and I appreciate you being a follower and putting up with my “emo” moods once in a while. I am hoping that out of the goodness of your heart you will help me, but if not, I also have some incentives.
Let me preface this by saying that I am very ashamed that I have to do this, but I’m really desperate right now. This is the last time I am going to fuck something up this badly, so I’m going to do whatever I have to do to dig myself out of this hole.
- One of my biggest skills involves writing. When I was in the 6th grade, I took a test that said I had the reading and writing skills of a senior in high school at that time, and it’s only gotten better since then. I am willing to help you edit your college papers, and even adding to it if I happen to know a lot about the subject you are writing about. Price is negotiable, but I guarantee that you will get an A as long as what you have for me to work with is factually correct.
- I have a mint condition Gnex around here somewhere, willing to sell it for a negotiable price. I’m sure that I can find the charger that goes with it, if not, I’ll give you the charger that I have for my S III and just buy another house charger later on. It’s already been rooted and has an older version of AOKP on it, so you will easily be able to wipe it and upgrade it to whatever rom you choose. I took very good care of it and it’s still in great shape.
- I have a brand new Razr somewhere for a negotiable price. I was going to sell it to my friend, but while it was in his possession it got a hairline crack in the screen. You have to look REALLY hard to tell that it is there. Otherwise, he hadn’t had a chance to use it for some reason, so it hasn’t been fucked with at all. I won’t go stupid low on the price, but I will go lower. I’m not sure if that tiny barely there crack will get any worse, but it looks like it may not. Not sure where the charger is for that either, but I know that all of you droidheads probably have chargers coming out of your asses anyway, if not then I will send you one or figure something out.
- Last but not least, and this is the worst part, there’s the noods. I have around 16 or so nudes on my phone and a couple of videos. The last time I fucked up, I had someone offer me a very very very generous deal and I went ahead and sent them all to him. Yes, it was a mind blowing generous amount, and I appreciate him so much. Number of nudes is negotiable on the amount of money given, I certainly don’t expect anyone to live up to the generous donation I got before, but sending out nudes is not something that I take lightly anymore.
Now that I have completely humiliated myself, I’ll tell you what’s going on with my family right now. My grandmother (who is actually my great grandmother) fell the other day and while she didn’t break anything, she had to go to a rehabilitation center since they want her to get her strength back and be able to walk again with her walker without losing her balance and falling again. She will be there at least a week or two, so I am here at home by myself with Kitteh helping me watch the house. I’ve talked to other family members in the last couple of days than I have talked to them in like two years or more.
I’ve always had a very non-traditional family. When I was 6 months old, my mom sent me to live with my great grandmother and great grandfather since she couldn’t take care of my and my older brother (he was 2 years older) at the same time. My great grandfather eventually got sick and my mom says that she didn’t want to take me away from him fearing that it would kill him since he loved me so much. He died in 1987 when I was 10 years old. Then my mom said that she couldn’t take my away from my great grandmother because it would kill her because she loved me so much. So here I am still with my great grandmother, who is 93 years old now, and still full of piss and vinegar.
My mom died in 2010 on December 19th, I know she had regret all of her life because of that decision. And since she lived 100 miles away and was in bad health (rare kidney disease, though that’s not what killed her), I only got to see her once a year or less. I have only seen my dad 3 times in my whole life, once when I was 6 years old, once when I looked him up a few years ago, and once last year. He is your typical bum who has been in prison three times. (First one was for robbery in the 80′s, second one was for Gross Sexual Imposition which he denies he actually did, and third was for failure to register his new location with the sex offender database)
My great grandmother treats me like I am 16, even though I am 35, which in turn makes me feel and act like I am 16. It’s a terrible vicious cycle, one that I need to break. She freaks out about the littlest things, like if I want to go to the bad to play pool or karaoke and it happens to be dark, late, snowing a little, or raining a little- she goes into the whole “If you go, you’ll die!” routine. Crying, getting angry, threatening to have the internet taken out, etc etc. Basically, everything I do is so scrutinized that I can’t even tell her I am going to Columbus (100 miles away in a big city) or else she would be sure that I would either wreck and die or get shot by those crazy people in the big city. I know she only does it out of love and concern, but there is a point where interfering in ones life like that is just like strangling them.
Case in point- she sent a threatening letter to my psychiatrist that was so bad that he wouldn’t see me anymore and I had to start seeing another psychiatrist there. The reason- she didn’t approve of my medication. Apparently she though that 2 20mg Adderall a day would make me have a heart attack and die. Now I’m only on one a day since my new psychiatrist is a hippie, and I can’t get two a day until I start college, whenever I get around to doing that.
I’m also under a lot of stress from being 35 and not having accomplished diddly shit due to some hardships I have had and some physical and mental issues. I haven’t worked since I had a blighted ovum back when I was 30, like a week after my birthday. That’s where you are pregnant but the fetus doesn’t form, so the pregnancy terminates itself, but it’s still considered a pregnancy and they still had to pull some junk out of me after it happened. (I was also told when I was 19 that I have less than 1% chance of getting pregnant in the first place, so I guess that was it for me) I also have Osteoarthritis, which I have only known about for a year but I have had it all my life and wondered what the fuck was wrong with me. Also going on is ADHD, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, and social anxiety. Yeah, I’m pretty much fucked up, but that’s why I go to all of my doctors on a regular basis.
My goal is to talk to the government to have them help me pay for a totally online college, since those are more expensive since they are considered private schools and the fafsa grant doesn’t cover but only maybe half of it, if that. With the condition that I am in mentally and physically, they should agree to pay for the rest, even though they really need a good reason to justify it. (which I have, in spades) I want to go get a 4 year degree as a therapist and have my own practice, which if I take the right classes, I can do everything that a psychologist could do. After I get started on my own therapist practice, I would like to go back and finish my masters and phd, to become an official psychologist. So even though I am pretty fucked up right now, I do have plans, it’s just really hard for me to get started on those plans.
But to the matter at hand, if you have been generous enough to read down this far, I am highly humiliated that I even have to ask for help one last time- but I am in a bad way right now. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking and wish that I could take it all back. I guess I thought that I might get lucky since everything else in my life has been super stressful and unlucky so far, but I was wrong. When it rains, it pours, am I right? I appreciate any donations given, and I will be using Google Checkout to do so. It may take a few days for it to go through, but I’ll eventually get it soon enough.
For those of you who would like to make a donation, please email me at superstargoddess@gmail.com as I couldn’t get the damn Google Checkout buttons to work correctly when I tried to put them on here. Tell me where I know you from (most likely Twitter, so tell me your username there) and the amount that you would like to donate and what you expect from your donation, if anything at all. I can then send you an invoice through Google Checkout, thank you. For the phones, let’s just discuss that in the email and figure all of that out before any money is exchanged. Same goes for the nudes if you have a specific amount in your head that you would like. Super generous donations will get all plus the two videos.
I’ve been awake for 20 hours now, most of that spend driving or being in the casino, and I still have to go see my psychologist in a few hours. This is going to be a VERY long day.
After another night of not thinking clearly, I have dug myself into a fucked up hole, yet again. I went to the casino thinking that if I didn’t play the...
